When I get takeout with my friend, we put it on one card, and then use a payment service to get even. I will continue to update this with some of the “food items” I’ve paid him for.
Nursing me back to health after Billy Joel crashed into my living room and ran me over
Injecting a speedball into my penis
Releasing a man who was mistakenly detained at Guantanamo Bay and forced to watch A Christmas Story on loop for 16 straight years
Poking Gary Busey’s exposed brain, causing him to recall childhood memories in vivid detail
Dying in a grain dust explosion
Permanently staining my corneas with osmium tetroxide
Investing in Kid Rock’s flat Earth tech startup
